Life without Gluten: Is it really easier to quit Heroin?

We found out I was gluten sensitive by accident.  I had, of course, heard about how we ought to give up gluten; but paid it little attention.  French baguettes, Italian garlic bread and San Francisco Sourdough are among, what I once called, the "good" things in life.  Biscuits and gravy, a good fresh Rye (Jewish or otherwise--I was never all that picky) and all manner of sandwiches, burgers and hotdogs were things I refused to admit were "Bad" for me.

As many of you already know, I was diagnosed with a disease called

Polymyalgia Rheumatica (PMR)

 a couple of years ago.

A harsh form of Arthritis, it only strikes after age fifty, and with treatment (steroids) it can go away altogether after about five years, or cripple your ass if you do nothing.  I took the 'roids' for a year and a half before I attempted to ween myself off of them.  Not a full week after I stopped taking prednisone I was in severe pain again, worse than ever, and had lost so much muscle mass that I found myself too weak to move without feeling as if I was going to die from the pain.

We were working a resident manager gig down on the Bar-S Ranch in Palestine (Pal-ess-teen) Texas and knowing that I could not just sit around and hurt all day, and the fact that we were without medical benefits of any kind, we opted for some alternative medicine.

Dixie Dorsett L AC, is an acupuncturist in town, in practice with her husband John, a Chiropractor.

Frankenstein with his ass hanging out 

Desperate for some relief, I had Feathermaye take me down to see how I'd do as a pin cushion.  Dixie's very good.  She had me full of needles in no time, some of them even hooked up to low voltage wiring. Feathermaye took pics of it all, of course--I supposed I must have looked like Frankenstein's monster all wired up and waiting for the next East Texas thunderstorm.

The needles gave me some relief, but it was temporary.  So, Dixie, a supportive natural healer, suggested I do some cleansing.  She recommended chlorophyll extract, for daily use, as well as a really good "whole body cleanse" kit which the little health food store down the street sold.  We picked all that up and I listened while Feathermaye read to me all the stuff I could NOT eat during the cleanse: No this, no that, no bread, no pasta...


This sort of thing had been discussed and de-cussed between Feathermaye and Your's Truly.  I never wanted to give credit to anything that didn't come with a prescription or cost billions of dollars in Medical Research.

But, medical science didn't really have much to say about my disease.  "We don't really know much about this disease, Mr. Herndon," my Rhuematologist told me.   "Just keep taking the steroids and if they don't do the trick, we'll discuss putting you on some other cocktail."

Of course we already knew what he didn't say: with even more side-effects!

So, moving ahead...

The third morning of the "cleanse", I woke up, bracing myself for pain--something I was doing as a reflex by that time.  The strange part was at that moment I realized I didn't have any...

"Hey, I don't hurt anymore!" I said as I ate boiled eggs and drank coffee with Stevia, instead of sugar.

Feathermaye smiled and nodded.  "Now all we have to do is pay attention as we add stuff back into your diet."

The next week, I fixed pasta, with my famous sauce and a couple baguettes of French bread.

The following morning I was in pain again.  What the hell?

Before I could say anything, Feathermaye was ticking away on her laptop; she's a marvel at research as well as editing.  In no time she nodded...

"Hmm...looks like you're going to have to stay off the Glutens, big guy."

"Okay," I said, "Tell me again what that is?"

"Bread, pasta, anything with wheat or barley."

"You mean...I can't even have beer?"

She shook her head, "Not unless they have one that's gluten free."

Yes!  Bud makes my new favorite GF beer!

I felt like a heroin addict who suddenly found himself on a deserted island.  "You gotta be shittin' me!"

"No, sir."  She did not look up as she said this part.  "You either quit eating glutens or you remain in pain.  Your choice."


Jumping ahead...

Even heroin addicts eventually get over not having heroin any more.  Hell, that may be easier.  It's not like they have to walk by heroin when they go grocery shopping.  The smells of fresh baked heroin aren't seemingly everywhere, tempting, tempting and tempting.  It's not like heroin is on the menu at every damn restaurant they go to.

No...it's just gluten: Bread, pasta...anything made of wheat or barley...(gulp) including beer--damnit.

I cheated a couple of times after that.  My PMR made me pay dearly for it.

And, I have to say this: no sandwich, no big'o plate of spaghetti or lasagna, no biscuit or cake or cookie is worth THAT kind of pain, folks.  I QUIT!

But wait!  All is not lost!

I am married to the most awesome girl.  She has found so many ways to replace gluten with things I love just as much that...well...I figure I just need to crank up this old blog and tell the world how good it can be going GLUTEN FREE.

You might think you'd really miss a cheese burger, if you go gluten free.  So I'm going to show you, right here, right now, how to have an awesome blue cheese, avocado, bacon and cheddar supreme with jalapenos.

I'm here to inform you that the gluten free bread industry has its issues.  Most that are already made and

sold are crumbly and hardly resemble what we've all come to know and think of as bread.  Hamburger buns are especially difficult to find, but here is the best we've found so far:  

The good folks at Schar make not only buns, but loaf bread as well.  It keeps very well--for a rice flour based bread, but there are a couple of things I've found necessary for Your's Truly:  


This type of bread is a bit crumbly, when you first open and try it.  The stuff will fall apart unless you toast it.  I like to butter and toast it under the broiler.

A little crumbly at first, but don't panic or despair!

Butter the tops and pop 'em under a broiler...

Until they look something like this...

In this case, I've topped with Blue Cheese and Avocado

It IS as good as it looks!

The burgers were brought to us by Bubbas Burgers!
They're not only awesome, they're gluten free...

Lays potato chips are also gluten free and we loaded down our plates with them as well.  And, that's the thing, you'd be surprised at the number of things you already eat that are gluten free.

But the real kicker is: how much weight we lost.  In the picture above, the one where I'm getting poked with

Me on the right at 180lbs.

needles, I was weighing in at a tubby 238.  In the last year of completely gluten free dining, eating three squares a day, I've dropped sixty of those pounds.  We were shocked when I reached 180.  I haven't weighed that since high school, back when I looked like this>

That's right, folks.  I'm back to my fighting weight and I have to attribute it to a gluten free diet.  I also get a good amount of exercise, but it's not like I run five miles a day or anything like that.

180 lbs today

Since I--more or less--had to go gluten free, Feathermaye--by direct association--went along with me.  She lost about 30lbs so far.  Not only that, we just FEEL better!  Neither of us has been sick; no colds, flu, and I find I can eat hot sauce or munch on jalapenos without worry about indigestion since I took the steps to remove gluten from my diet and my system.

Of course, it is easier to be motivated when the alternative is so damn painful.  But, I'd be willing to bet you that if you suffer from gastric disorders, joint pain, even head aches and constant bothersome ailments, you might just find that gluten is at the very least, aggravating it.  I challenge you to try it for yourself and see if it helps.  All you have to lose is some weight, and maybe a little discomfort.  


I'll post many more recipes that we've come across in future posts.